How to tell loved ones about your ovarian cancer

Telling friends and family members that you’ve been diagnosed with ovarian cancer is a big step, and it can feel overwhelming. But here’s the thing: Your loved ones can be your biggest supporters and allies. And the sooner they know, the sooner they can start helping.  

There’s no right or wrong way to do it, but there are a few approaches you can consider, says Julie Larson, L.C.S.W., a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in cancer survivorship. You might choose one now, another later, or a mix of all three. It’s totally up to you. 

1. One-on-one 

For your closest friends and family members, a direct conversation may feel right. Here are a few things you can do to prepare:  

• Spend a little time reflecting. “All communication begins with understanding yourself,” says Larson, who has a private practice in New York City. She recommends asking yourself these three questions following a diagnosis: 
  
  Do I understand all that I need to know about my ovarian cancer diagnosis?
  If something is unclear, reach out to your doctor as soon as possible. You and your doctor may not have all the answers right away, and that’s okay. What’s important is that you understand the facts of your condition and your initial next steps.
  
  Do I understand how I feel right now?
  Consider writing down your feelings and reading them to yourself in a quiet place. Once you can articulate these emotions and thoughts to yourself, you’re likely ready to tell another person.
  
  Who do I want to tell first?
  “When you think about your history and other big moments in your life, who are those people you know respond to you in a way that makes you feel understood, in a way you feel supported and cared for?” asks Larson.
  
  When you’ve identified those family members and friends, set up a time to chat with them in person. 

• Stick to the basics. When you first tell someone about your diagnosis, you may want to keep it simple and grounded in the step you are on today. What you’ll say depends on your personality and the personality of the person you’re telling.
  
  If you’re stuck on what to say, Larson recommends this: “I just heard back from my doctor, and I got some pretty tough news. I’ve been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I’m still learning what that means and my treatment plan, but I just wanted to let you know because you’re an important part of my team.”
  
  “At the beginning, you don’t need to say much more,” adds Larson. Remember: “Talking about cancer is never just one conversation. Over time, you can add more information.” 

• Prepare for unexpected reactions. Not everyone will react to the news in the way that you expect. Some may even make awkward or unintentionally hurtful comments. “People can have a lot of strong opinions about your treatment,” warns Larson.
  
  Having to manage other people’s reactions can be exhausting, but it’s a reality. “Unfortunately, it’s on you to teach other people how you want to be treated and cared for,” says Larson. “Your tone of voice can send subtle communication hints to others.”
  
  And when subtle isn’t enough, it helps to have an elevator speech, says Larson. For unsolicited advice, she recommends: “Thanks, but I have a great medical team and treatment plan.” Your matter-of-fact tone makes it clear that you’ve got things in hand.
  
  Of course, if someone doesn’t offer you the kind of support you need, or makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t feel pressured to continue staying in contact with them regarding your diagnosis or treatment. 

2. Online 

Whether through social media or on a personal website, another way to communicate your diagnosis is through a personal blog. It’s not for everyone, says Larson, but many find that it’s a good way of coping with a cancer diagnosis and sharing their journey with friends and family. 

How much, or how little, you share is entirely up to you. “There is no right or wrong,” says Larson. “It’s a very personal thing, and it’s based on who you are and your history.” 

You can use your existing personal accounts or a platform like CaringBridge, which helps you set up a free online journal.  

3. Outsourcing 

If the thought of explaining your diagnosis to others is just too much to deal with right now, you can always simply give the job to a family member or friend. There’s no reason not to let someone you love help you in that way, and no one will think any less of you for not breaking the news yourself.  

Similarly, as your treatment progresses, you may not always feel well enough to keep up with conversations. That’s 100% okay. Your priority should be on healing. “Let other people know that if they can’t reach you, it’s okay to contact this other person,” says Larson.