The best ways to support your preteen

When your sweet middle schooler starts sulking around the house or arguing with you like a full-fledged teenager, it can be shocking. But know that it’s an inevitable and an important point in their development.

“The preteen stage is a time of growth, reflection, and rebellion for many children,” explains Amy Cooper Hakim, Ph.D., author, public speaker, and the principal consultant at the Cooper Strategic Group.

Even though it’s inevitable, it can still be a high-stress time for parents and children alike. But rest assured: There are steps you can take to foster lasting communication and make this transition easier for everyone.

Here, experts offer their advice for weathering the storm and keeping your not-so-little-anymore ones close.

1. Keep your authority

As your child teeters on the cusp of being a full-fledged teen, there may come a time when even the tightest parent-child bond frays.  

Remember this though: No matter how grown-up they may seem, growing kids are still kids. And they need more direction than ever. In fact, research suggests that kids who remain close to their parents and guardians as teens often have better well-being into adulthood.

But does that mean you should try to act more like a friend? Definitely not. “Even as they grow, children are still longing for an authority figure to establish boundaries and for guidance on how to make good choices that fit within those boundaries,” says Hakim.

Knowing when and how to provide that guidance can be stressful. It’s completely normal for children to want to spend more time with their friends and less time with family as they get older, says Hakim.  

Plus, the age of smartphones and social media has made it more difficult for parents to connect with their children, since so much of their life may take place online.  

But there are ways to insert yourself into that world without snatching the phone or tablet out of your kid’s hands and hiding it away.

“Demonstrate real interest,” Hakim suggests. Is there a particular game or video they’re watching that you could ask about? What do they like most about the social media apps they’re on?  

Of course, if you see something questionable, Hakim stresses that it’s important to bring it up. 

2. Give your undivided attention

Our children often model our behaviors. If you’re stressed or unhappy, it can affect your relationship. And if you’re always buried in your phone, it can set a precedent for poor listening as they age.

So, when they come to you with something to say, don’t waste the moment. “When your child wants to talk or share something, stop what you are doing and look at him or her, even if the timing is inconvenient,” says Hakim. “Lead by example. Take your eyes away from electronics and focus solely on the interaction.”

3. Make time for fun

Spending time with your child without being in front of a screen is essential for a strong relationship no matter how old they are. If you haven’t found an activity that you both enjoy doing together, now is the time.  

“If you don’t have a shared hobby, try different activities and find something that you like to do together,” says Hakim. “Humans thirst for real human interaction, so give this to your child. Laugh and have fun together.”

A few ideas:

• Let your child pick out some new board games for the family to try.
• Cook or bake something fun together. Or suggest a dinner date at a new restaurant.  
• Sign up for a charity walk or 5K and train together.

4. Keep the communication open

Make sure your children know that they can come to you when they’re having an issue, no matter what it may be. “Communication is critical,” says Hakim. “Maintaining an open dialogue now is the key to having that open dialogue in the teenage years and beyond.”

Bottom line: It’s important for your child to know that they will have your support, no matter what. “Remind your child that you will always love them, even if you disagree with their choices sometimes,” Hakim continues. “Be firm yet gentle as you set and maintain boundaries.”

If you’re struggling to communicate with your child or are worried about how your mental health is affecting your relationship with them, help is within reach. 

For any questions about mental health coverage, benefits, or providers, please call the Mental Health/Substance Abuse phone number on the back of your member ID card.