How to tell loved ones about your breast cancer

If you were recently diagnosed with breast cancer, you might feel a bit nervous about broaching such a difficult subject with friends and family. 

But you shouldn’t. Your loved ones can be your biggest supporters and allies as you undergo treatment for this disease. 

Of course, to ensure those closest to you can give you the help you need, there are a few things to keep in mind before sharing your diagnosis, says Julie Larson, L.C.S.W., a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in New York City. Before starting her private practice, Larson was the Young Adult Program Director at CancerCare. She continues to speak regularly at cancer survivorship conferences on the mental and emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis.

Larson offered these nine insights from her work with breast cancer patients.

1. Understand yourself first. 

“All communication begins with understanding yourself,” says Larson. She recommends asking yourself these three questions following a diagnosis: 

• Do I understand all that I need to know about my breast cancer diagnosis? If something is unclear, reach out to your doctor as soon as possible. 

• Do I understand how I feel well enough to tell someone else? Consider writing down your feelings and reading them to yourself in a quiet place. Once you can articulate these emotions and thoughts in full, you’re likely ready to tell another person. 

• What do I really need from those around me during my journey? Are you going to potentially need to be cared for, or will you need to take a leave of absence from work? Will you need practical assistance with everyday life, or just emotional support? Again, if you don’t know the answers to these questions, your doctor can help. 

2. Know who you’ll talk to first. 

With whom are you most comfortable revealing such a personal development? “When you think about your history and other big moments in your life, who are those people you know respond to you in a way that makes you feel understood, supported, and cared for?” asks Larson. 

When you’ve identified those family and friends, set up times to chat with them in person in the coming weeks. Slowly add people as you become more comfortable talking about your diagnosis. 

3. Set the tone. 

Once you’ve figured out who you will tell, decide what kind of attitude and approach you’ll take. This can set the tone for how you want others to respond. Maybe the tone is optimistic and funny, or maybe it’s quiet and reserved. Some people you tell may try to steer the conversation. “Unfortunately, it’s on you to teach other people how you want to be treated and cared for in the way you communicate this,” says Larson. “Your tone of voice sends subtle communication hints to others.” 

4. Stick to the basics. 

When you first tell someone about your diagnosis, you may want to keep things simple and focused on where you are today. What you’ll say depends on your personality and the personality of the person you’re telling. 
 
If you’re stuck on what to say, Larson recommends this: “I just heard back from my doctor and I got some pretty tough news. I’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. And I’m still learning what that means and my treatment plan, but I just wanted to let you know because you’re an important part of my team.” 
 
“At the beginning, you don’t need to say much more,” adds Larson. 

5. Prepare for unexpected reactions. 

Not everyone will react to the news in the way you expect. Some may even make awkward or hurtful comments. “People can have a lot of strong opinions about your treatment,” warns Larson. 
 
Managing other people’s reactions can be exhausting, so it helps to have an elevator speech for those times, says Larson. For unsolicited advice, Larson recommends: “Thanks, but I have a great medical team. I have a great treatment plan.” 

Of course, if someone doesn’t offer you the kind of support you need, or makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t feel pressured to continue staying in contact with them about your treatment. 

6. Take the long approach. 

“Talking about cancer is never just one conversation,” says Larson. “Over time, you can add more information.” It’s also okay to reevaluate what you share and with whom you share it. 

7. Appoint a contact person. 

As your treatment progresses, you may get overwhelmed or simply not feel well enough to keep up with conversations. Your priority should be getting well. “Let other people know that if they can’t reach you, it’s okay to reach this person,” says Larson. 

8. Don’t feel pressured to post. 

In an era of oversharing on social media, some breast cancer patients may feel pressure to make sweeping announcements over social media platforms. But the extent of how much (or how little) you share is entirely up to you. “There is no right or wrong,” says Larson. “It’s a very personal thing and it’s based on who you are and your history.” 

9. Consider blogging. 

Another way to communicate your diagnosis is through a personal blog, whether through social media or a personal website. It’s not for everyone, says Larson, but many find that it’s a good way of coping with their cancer diagnosis and sharing their journey with friends and family. 

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all plan to communicate your breast cancer diagnosis. “If you start with self-reflection, it helps to smooth communication throughout your treatment,” says Larson.